1) The first one was ONLY alright (if a noise had to be attributed to the film it would be ‘meh’) and it didn’t even need a sequel; dat character arc… [read: explosion, explosion, Megan Fox's arse, explosion, Wittwicky (what a weird name), end]
2) The sequel was just bad. And not even Adam Sandler movie bad, where you can laugh at it and feel smug. T2 was like being bog washed by The Undertaker.
3) Transformers are were super cool but Bay’s execution leaves you feeling exhausted and not in a good way. Watching these films feels like running up 10 flights of stairs whilst being chased by a rabid dog.
4) People will go and see it, thus enforcing the crazy notion that these films are decent, legitimate film making.
5) Michael Bay has stated that this will be the first in a new trilogy of films!!! When will the madness end?
6) Michael Bay will make lots of money and this is not good. He will keep on making money and making more films and the circle of banality will never end.
7) Mark Whalberg is set to star in the next iteration of Transformers. He doesn’t need to do this. His career has been on the up in recent years with some credible turns in films such as The Fighter.
What about The Happening?
*Fingers in ears*
8) Ehren Kruger is set to write the screenplay. His most successful works include the previous two Transformers films, Scream 3; the least plausible of the Scream films and Reindeer Games, arguably one of the worst Ben Affleck films ever made. Bay has argued that these new films are going to be completely different to the first. His way to do this? Hire the same guy to write the script as the last two?!
9) This is cynical filmmaking and needs to be stopped. There are new ideas to be explored and of course other cartoons to fingerbang with a rusty nail.
10) And finally. No one cares any more. The Autobots will win. Optimus Prime will be cool for like 5 mins and then we’ll realise we’ve seen it all before and hate ourselves.
I realise this is cynical and judgemental and could be so unbelievably wrong. If I’m not though Michael Bay won’t care. He’ll be too busy counting all his money and laughing. There will be lots of laughing.
PSA: This will be the first and last anti-Bay post you will see on here. Well, until he releases his next film.
